Yesterday

So yesterday I had a complete and total breakdown. Well, that might be an exaggeration. Maybe it wasn't a complete and total in retrospect but it sure felt like it at the time. Our bed frame cracked on Sunday so for Sunday and Monday night we had to sleep in the living room. The air mattress isn't really conducive to both of us, especially with my husband needing to use his sleep apnea machine. So I curled up on the couch. Bear in mind, we do not have  a full couch. We have a love seat sized couch. And I'm 5'10". With a weight problem. SO needless to say, I probably didn't get much in the way of sleep, much less good sleep for those two nights. I knew that my husband was going to call his dad to come over and help him fix the bed on Tuesday since it was his day off. I also knew there was a good chance my father-in-law would be watching our nephew who is a couple years older than my daughter. She loves her cousins so much. I was more than willing to watch the kids so they wouldn't be underfoot while the guys worked on the bed. I mentioned to my husband that I might just take Zoe over to her grandpa's house to hang out for a bit regardless and he asked me why. I said that it was mainly to get out of the house. To which he said "you're already getting out of the house tonight" (referring to my crochet/knitting group which ended up cancelled last night, by the way). Well, it kind of pissed me off. He does this so often, assumes that he knows better than I do about what I want or need to do. Usually it's simply something that I am aware of but haven't done anything about (like getting back into working out). Maybe it was the lack of sleep or something but it just set my teeth on edge. Then I went to take a shower and my daughter followed me into the bathroom. This is not an unusual occurrence. But she decided it would be fun to open the toilet and use the plunger at this point. I yelled at her to stop and get out of the bathroom, (which she of course completely disregarded). What does the husband do? Just yell at her from the living room to get out of the bathroom. I would like to point out at this time that if he roles were reversed, I would either already be in there getting our daughter or he would be yelling at me to come get her. But he never thinks of doing that for me. Or at least, very rarely unless I yell at him. At that point I didn't feel that I could safely be in the house anymore with either one of them. So I got dressed and started loading up my backpack so that I could leave the house. He couldn't understand why I was so upset about the bathroom incident. So I lost it and started screaming and raging at him. Finally he yelled at me to just go so I did. His first wife had mental illnesses. More than one. Her problems were such that they had a hard time finding medications for the various issues that wouldn't aggravate one of the others. But apparently she was much more open about what was going on with her than I am. I don't like talking to him about what's bothering me because he always points out why it's silly that I feel that way or why my logic is wrong. I tried to tell him this yesterday when I was finally able to talk to him in a much calmer state of mind. If he wants me to talk to him, I will, but even after explaining why I don't want to talk to him about it, he still acted the same way in regards to his response. SO I'm left feeling like it's all pointless. WHy talk to him when he's not going to admit that the way I feel about something is valid, even if he didn't mean it that way? WHy should I tell him what's bothering me when he dismisses it so cavalierly? HE asked me if I needed him to be home more, but that's not what I need. I need him to be supportive of me and what I think I need to do to maintain my sanity but I don't think he can do that. I don't think it's even in his nature. And I'm afraid my marriage is going to die because of that. I told him I wanted to take some time off from school because I needed the break. I told him I knew it was silly when I'm so close to graduating but that I just couldn't do it. He acted like I was just being an overly emotional drama queen. Well, he didn't say that but that was the impression I got from him. I know that there is no one thing that will make me better. I need to start eating healthy and working out again, because those things helped along with the medication that I'm on. But I need him to recognize that I'm still going to have times where I'm strung tighter than a tripwire and what I might need to maintain my sense of self might not make any sense and he might not like it, but if it's what I need then it will help all of us. THe worst part is that the whole thing happened in front of my daughter. My precious 2 1/2 year old girl who is more aware of things than I like to admit. He told me that after I left the house yesterday she didn't want to do anything other than sit with him for nearly the whole time I was gone (I was gone for about 1 1/2 hours). So now I have guilt. More guilt because he also told me how exhausted he was most of the time because of his job. I tried to point out that I was just as exhausted (having a depression flair up drains you so much) that I had trouble doing more than just being up during the day. He pointed out that I don't really have anything to do so I shouldn't be so exhausted. My counselor wants me to bring him in with me sometime. I don't know if it will do any good. He's not the type to listen to anyone else, even if they know more than he does on a given subject. The sad thing is that when I look at everything I've written, it almost makes it sound like he's emotional abusive or at least emotionally negligent. I don't doubt that he loves me, but sometimes I have to think that it might not be enough. And that scares me into pretending that I'm fine more often than not. A tiny part of me wishes I had the courage to show him this blog because maybe it would help him to understand the insanity that swirls non stop in my brain but I fear that instead he would get pissed off because this portrays him as an unfeeling jerkwad instead. Which is not my intention. He has his moments like that, don't get me wrong. But I am just as inclined to have moments where I'm an unfeeling bitch as well. So I wonder then, how do I move forward from here?